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Jokes about Publishers

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New Product Announcement

Announcing the new Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge device, otherwise known as the BOOK.

It's a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It's so easy to use even a child can operate it. Just lift its cover. Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere -- even sitting in an armchair by the fire -- yet it is powerful enough to hold ass much information as a CD-ROM disk.

Here's how it works: each BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information. These pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence. By using both sides of each sheet, manufacturers are able to cut costs in half.

Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly into your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet. The BOOK may be taken up at any time and used by merely opening it. The "Browse" feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet, and move forward or backward as you wish. Most come with an "index" feature, which pinpoints the exact location of any selected information for instant retrieval.

An optional "BOOKmark" accessory allows you to open the BOOK to the exact place you left it in a previous session -- even if the BOOK has been closed. BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus a single BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by various manufacturers.

Portable, durable and affordable, the BOOK is the entertainment wave of the future, and many new titles are expected soon, due to the surge in popularity of its programming tool, the Portable Erasable-Nib Cryptic Intercommunication Language stylus [PENCIL].



Books on Tape We Don't Want to Hear

The Communist Manifesto as read by Ronald Reagan
The Torah as read by Louis Farrakhan
The Koran as read by Salman Rushdie
The Anarchist's Cookbook as read by Theodore Kaczinsky
How To win Friends and Influence People as read by Dennis Rodman
Europe on $10 a Day as read by Steve Forbes
The Godfather as read by John Gotti
Uncle Tom's Cabin as read by George Wallace
I'm Ok You're Ok as read by Rush Limbaugh
Moby Dick as read by Jonah
Crime and Punishment as read by OJ Simpson
A Tale of Two Cities as read by Ed Koch and Rudi Giuliani
The Gulag Archipelago as read by Josef Stalin
Feynman's Lectures On Physics as read by Dan Quayle
The Joy of Cooking as read by Hannibal Lecter
The Wealth of Nations as read by Fidel Castro



"Have you written this poem by yourself?"
"Of course," said the young poet, "Every word of it."
"Well, I am very glad to meet you, Mr. Edgar Allan Poe, I was afraid you are dead for long time."



Top 10 Children's Books Not recommended by the National Library Assoc.

10. Clifford the Big Dog is Put to Sleep
9. Charles Manson Bedtime Stories
8. Daddy Loses His Job and Finds the Bottle
7. Babar becomes a Piano
6. Controlling the playground: Respect through Fear
5. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
4. The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables
3. Things Rich Kids Have, but you never will
2. Let's Draw Betty and Veronica without their clothes on
1. The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead





A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read.
Mark Twain


"Why don't you have any books by Ibid? He's written a lot of important stuff."




I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She answered, "If I tell you, it will defeat the purpose."



The Shortest Books Ever Written

1000 Years of German Humor
Everything men know about women
The Code of Ethics for Lawyers
Italian War Heroes
Who's who in Puerto Rico
Americans' Guide to Etiquette
Royal Family's Guide to Good Marriages
Safe Places to Travel in the USA
Jerry Garcia's Guide to Beating Drug Addiction
Contraception by Pope John Paul II
Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors
Cooking Gourmet Dishes With Tofu
Gun Control for The New Millennium: NRA Handbook



There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
Somerset Maugham


Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.



Copying an idea from an author is plagiarism. Copying many ideas from many authors is research.



Anyone who believes you can't change history has never tried to write his memoirs.
David Ben-Gurion



Every nation has to write a book about the Elephant:

The French book
The English book
The Welsh book
The American book
The Japanese book
The Finnish book
The German book
The Icelandic book
The Canadian book
The Swedish book
The Swiss book
The Israeli book
The Danish book
The Sex Life of the Elephant
Elephants I have Shot on Safari
The Elephant and its Influence on Welsh Language and Culture
How to Make Bigger and Better Elephants
How to Make Smaller and Cheaper Elephants
What Do Elephants Think about Finnish People
A Short Introduction to Elephants, Vol 1-6
Defrosting an Elephant
Elephants: A Federal or State Issue?
How to Reduce your Taxes with an Elephant
The Country Through Which Hannibal Went With His Elephants
The Elephant and the Jewish Problem
Elephants - 100 easy ways of cooking them








From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
"The Book of Insults", Groucho Marx


I find television very educational. Every time someone switches it on I go into another room and read a good book.
Groucho Marx


How To Write Good by Frank L. Visco

1. Avoid alliteration. Always.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)
4. Employ the vernacular.
5. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
7. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
8. Contractions aren't necessary.
9. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
10. One should never generalize.
11. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
12. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
13. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
14. Profanity sucks.
15. Be more or less specific.
16. Understatement is always best.
17. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
20. The passive voice is to be avoided.
21. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
22. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
23. Who needs rhetorical questions?



How many publishers does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change it and two to hold down the author.

How many editors does it take to change a light bulb?
"Do we have to get author's approval for this?"
Two, one to change the bulb and one to issue a rejection slip to the old bulb.

How many proofreaders does it take to change a light bulb?
Proofreaders aren't supposed to change light bulbs. They should just query them.

How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to screw it in almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.

How many writers does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change the bulb and one to tell a long story about it.

How many literary critics does it take to change a light bulb?
Literary critics don't know how, but rest assured they'll find something wrong with the way you do it.