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Funny Poker Players Jokes

Jokes about Poker Players

Read the funniest jokes about Poker Players
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Joe's just gotten his morning coffee on the way to work when a booming voice tells him: "Take the freeway instead of your normal shortcut." He takes the freeway and when he gets to the office everyone is talking about a huge accident that occurred on his normal route to work.

Three days later he's grilling burgers in his backyard and the voice tells him: "Go inside and watch television." He does and through the window outside he watches a huge oak tree fall and crush the grill where he was just standing.

When the voice tells him to sell everything he owns and move to Vegas, he sells everything he owns and moves to Vegas. The voice tells him to pay $10,000 to enter the World Series of Poker Main Event, which he does.

He's dealt two red aces and the voice tells him to go all-in. He shoves all-in and five different players call. The flop is Jack of clubs, 10 of clubs, 9 of clubs...

"Oh shit..." the voice says.

What's the difference between a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken and a professional poker player?

Poker dealers love a bucket of KFC, plus it can successfully feed a family of four.

A world-renowned heart-surgeon and poker pro and a blonde cocktail waitress are sitting next to each other in a $1-2 NL cash game at the MGM in Las Vegas. The surgeon is upset as the blonde keeps winning big pots from him despite it being the first time she's ever played poker.

He suggests they play a prop bet where they ask each other questions; if they don't know the answer to the question; they have to pay the other person. She asks him how she's supposed to compete with a smart, world-renowned surgeon, as she's just a simple cocktail waitress. Eager to make her look stupid, he offers her odds, so that she has to pay him $5 for every time he stumps her, but he'll pay her $50 each time she stumps him. She agrees.

He asks her what the capital of Paraguay is and she shrugs and flips him a red $5 chip.

Her question for him is: "What rises in the evening, sleeps in the morning, and has twice as many brothers as sisters?"

He thinks and thinks and thinks, getting more frustrated, then whips out his iPhone, calls his friends, and finally checks the Internet for an answer. He finally gives up and shoves $50 in chips over to her.

"Well," he angrily demands, "what's the answer?"

She shrugs and flips him another $5 chip.

A Lutheran pastor, a Catholic priest and a professional poker player were fishing from a boat not from the shore of a lake. The pastor needed to go to the bathroom so he got out of the boat, walked across the water, disappeared into the woods by the shore, then walked back across the water to the boat and climbed back in.

The priest was the next to make the trip, getting out of the boat, walking across the water, disappearing into the trees, then walking back across the water and returning to the boat.

The professional poker player was the last to go. He stepped out of the boat and immediately sank. The pastor looked at the priest and said: "You really should have told him where the rocks are."

A poker pro sees an old friend of his at the Rio during the World Series of Poker and pulls him aside.

"Look, man," he says, "I really hate to ask this but you've known me for years and you know I wouldn't ask unless I'm desperate. I've been running terrible, I can't feed my wife and kids right now, and we're about to get kicked out of our house. Can I borrow $1,000 just to keep our heads above water until I figure something out?"

"Of course," his friend says, "but with just one condition. You have to swear to me that you won't play poker with it, and that it'll go towards food for your family."

The poker pro breaks out into a huge grin. "I swear. I can even prove it to you, as here's my $10,000 entry to the Main Event that I just bought in for, so I'll definitely be too busy the next few days to even think about playing poker with the $1,000!"

Why do giraffes hate to play poker?

Because you can't shake a tree without a bunch of cheetahs falling out.

Sylvester Stallone, known to millions as Rocky Balboa on film, decided to play a little poker one day. He obviously had been to online guide and learned how to play the game there.
After about an hour, the floor man had the rail kicked out of the room. When asked why he kicked them out, he said that the railbirds were telling the table how Mr. Stallone was playing. He said, "They kept chanting, Rocky, Rocky, Rocky!"

The other day, I came home to see my neighbor dragging his wife though a pile of leaves in his front yard. She looked none too happy. When I asked him what he was doing, he said "I just watched Rounders. They said that women were the rake."

One day, I was playing in a Texas Hold'em game and a portly man sat down to play. He was reading "Tricks of a Professional Poker Dealer" on his Kindle while playing. Every so often, the dealer would point to him and say "you're big." After about the fourth time of the dealer telling him he was "big", an elderly woman at the table said, "Young lady, I think it is highly disrespectful for you to keep commenting on his weight like that." Her neighbor leaned in and told the lady, "she was telling him he was the big blind."

What's the difference between a turkey and a pro poker player? A turkey can actually feed a family on Thanksgiving?

A pro poker goes home with his wife for Christmas. Once walking into the house, he tells his wife "your Uncle is having an affair with his secretary. The wife knows and you might want to ask your mom who your real dad is." His wife goes, "How did you know? My Uncle and Aunt just separated and my real dad was killed in the Army." He says, "I'm a poker player. I can read men like books." His wife says, "I think I had better go home and pack my things." He says, "Why?" She says, "You will find out once your brother shows up."