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Funny Nurses Jokes

Jokes about Nurses

Read the funniest jokes about Nurses
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Doctor: "Did you take the patient's temperature?"
Nurse: "No. Is it missing?"



Doctor: "Nurse, how is that little boy doing, the one who swallowed ten quarters?"
Nurse: "No change yet."



Three nurses went to heaven, and were awaiting their turn with St. Peter to plead their case to enter the pearly gates.

The first nurse said, "I worked in an emergency room. We tried our best to help patients, even though occasionally we did lose one. I think I deserve to go to heaven." St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.

The second nurse says, "I worked in an operating room. It's a very high stress environment and we do our best. Sometimes the patients are too sick and we lose them, but overall we try very hard." St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.

The third nurse says, "I was a case manager for an HMO."

St. Peter looks at her file. He pulls out a calculator and starts punching away at it furiously, constantly going back to the nurse's file. After a few minutes St. Peter looks up, smiles, and says, "Congratulations! You've been admitted to heaven ... for five days!"







Harry was in the hospital. He was an old man. From time to time the young nurse came in and said in a patronising tone, "And how are we doing this morning?"

Well, this is a story of revenge. Harry had received breakfast, and pulled the juice off the tray, and put it on his stand. He had been given a urine bottle to fill. The juice was apple juice. You know where the juice went.

The nurse came in, picked up the urine bottle and said, "It seems we are a little cloudy today..." At this, Harry snatched the bottle out of her hand, drank its contents, saying, "Well, I'll run it through again, maybe I can filter it better this time."



What's the difference between a surgeon and a puppy?
If you put a puppy in a room by itself for an hour, it'll probably stop whining.




Interns think of God, residents pray to God, doctors talk to God, nurses ARE God.



What's the difference between a nurse and a nun?
A nun only serves one God.



A nurse was showing some student nurses through the hospital. "This will be the most hazardous section in the hospital for you. The men on this floor are almost well."



A doctor is going round the ward with a nurse and they come to the first bed where the chap is laying half dead.
"Did you give this man two tablets every eight hours?" asks the doctor.
"Oh, no," replies the nurse, "I gave him eight tablets every two hours!"

At the next bed the next patient also appears half dead.
"Nurse, did you give this man one tablet every twelve hours?"
"Oops, I gave him twelve tablets every one hour," replies the nurse.

Unfortunately at the next bed the patient is well and truly deceased, not an ounce of life. "Nurse," asks the doctor, "did you prick his boil?"
"OH MY GOODNESS!" replies the nurse.



The nurse who can smile when things go wrong is probably going off duty.



Why did the nurse always insist on using the rectal thermometer to obtain temperatures?
Because nurses are taught in nursing school to always look for her patient's best side.




Did you hear about the nurse who died and went straight to hell?
It took her two weeks to realize that she wasn't at work anymore!



Top 10 reasons to become a nurse

  1. Pays better than fast food, though the hours aren't as good.
  2. Fashionable shoes & sexy white uniforms.
  3. Needles: It's better to give than to receive.
  4. Reassure your patients that all bleeding stops....eventually.
  5. Expose yourself to rare, exotic, & exciting new diseases.
  6. Interesting aromas.
  7. Do enough charting to navigate around the world.
  8. Celebrate the holidays with all your friends.....at work.
  9. Take comfort that most of your patients survive no matter what you do to them.
  10. Courteous & infallible doctors who always leave clear orders in perfectly legible handwriting.




How nurses do it...

Nurses do it painless.
Nurses do it with TLC.
Nurses do it with care.
Nurses do it with intensive care.






    You Might Be a Nurse if...

  • when using a public restroom, you wash your hands with soap for a full minute and turn off the faucets with your elbows.
  • your favorite dream is the one where you leave a mess at a patient's bedside and tell a doctor to clean it up.
  • men assume you must be great in bed because of the 9 billion porn movies about nurses.
  • everyone, including complete strangers, tells you about each and every ache and pain they have.
  • you want to put your foot through the TV screen every time you see a nurse on a soap opera doing nothing but talking on the phone and flirting with doctors.
  • you can almost SEE the germs on doorknobs and telephones.
  • you can watch the goriest movie and eat anything afterwards, even spaghetti with lots of tomato sauce.
  • you use a plastic 30cc medicine cup for a shotglass.
Alison Meadows


How many nurses does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just have a nursing assistant do it.
As much as the doctor orders.

How many triage nurses does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but the bulb will have to spend four hours in the waiting room.

How many doctors does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but he has to have a nurse to tell him which end to screw in.



Planning to cash her paycheck, a nurse walks into a bank. She reaches into her pocket to pull out a pen to sign her check. Instead of a pen, she finds she has pulled out a rectal thermometer from the pocket. She looks at the rectal thermometer in complete shock. "Oh no!" she states in disbelief. "Some asshole has my pen!"

Elizabeth Conlon