Funny Labor Relations Jokes
Jokes about Labor Relations
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"You're on. Now, where is those thousand dollars?"
"That is your first worry!"
A worker who was being paid by the week approached his employer and held up his last paycheck. "This is two hundred dollars less than we agreed on," he said.
"I know," the employer said. "But last week I overpaid you two hundred dollars, and you never complained."
"Well, I don't mind an occasional mistake," the worker answered, "but when it gets to be a habit, I feel I have to call it to your attention."
We're overpaying him but he's worth it.
If a train station is where the train stops and a bus station is where the bus stops, what is a work station?
It is difficult to get a man to understand something when his salary depends upon his not understanding it.
Why God Never Received Tenure at the University
- Because he had only one major publication.
- And it was in Hebrew.
- And it had no cited references.
- And it wasn't published in a refereed journal or even submitted for peer review.
- And some even doubt he wrote it himself.
- It may be true that he created the world but what has he done since?
- His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
- The scientific community has had a very rough time trying to replicate his results.
- He never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use human subjects.
- When one experiment went awry, he tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects.
- He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.
- He expelled his first two students for learning.
- Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed his tests.
- His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.
- When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he often punished them, or just deleted them from the sample.
Boss, to four of his employees: "I'm really sorry, but I'm going to have to let one of you go."
Black employee: "I'm a protected minority."
Female employee: "And I'm a woman."
Oldest employee: "Fire me, buster, and I'll hit you with an age discrimination suit so fast it'll make your head spin."
They all turn to look at the helpless young, white, male employee, who thinks a moment, then responds: "I think I might be gay..."
"I'm never going to work for that man again"
"Why, what did he say?"
Four-word story of employment: Hired, tired, mired, fired.
It's a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it's a depression when you lose your own.
I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their jobs.
"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.
"Yes, Sir." the employee replied.
"Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."
A traveling salesman was held up by a bad storm in the Hawaiian Islands. He sent an e-mail to his corporate headquarters advising them that he was stranded for a few days and requested instructions.
The reply came back shortly: "Begin vacation as of yesterday."
Two women were comparing notes on the difficulties of running a small business.
"I started a new practice last year," the first one said. "I insist that each of my employees take at least a week off every three months."
"Why in the world would you do that?" the other asked.
She responded, "It's the best way I know of to learn which ones I can do without."
A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, he bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside.
One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old.
"Hold it, hold it," the fellow said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with this digging?"
"Well, we work for the county government," one of the men said.
"But one of you is digging a hole and the other is filling it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the county's money?"
"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us, me, Joe and Mike. I dig the hole, Joe sticks in the tree and Mike here puts the dirt back."
"Yea," piped up Mike. "Now just because Joe is sick, that doesn't mean we can't work, does it?"
Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract's sick-leave provisions.
One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, "This man," he announced, "called in sick yesterday!" There, on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score.
A union negotiator broke the silence in the room. "Wow," he said. "Think of what kind of score he could have had if he hadn't been sick!"
The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked him.
"John," the new guy replied.
The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker ? that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"
The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling."
"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."
Summer is the time when it is too hot to do the jobs it was too cold to do in winter.
The boss came early in the morning one day and found an employee kissing his secretary. He shouted at him, "Is this what I pay you for?"
The employee replied: "No, sir, this I do free of charge."
Length of lunch breaks is directly proportional to the size of pay packets.
Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
"I have to have a raise," the man said to his boss. "There are three other companies after me."
"Is that so?" asked the manager. "What other companies are after you?"
"The electric company, the telephone company, and the gas company."
After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
Don't be irreplaceable; if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.
A big company offered $50 for each money-saving idea submitted by its employees. First prize went to the employee who suggested the award be cut to $25.
The Pope has the best job in the world: he has one boss only, and even him he meets after his death.
The Boss asked for a letter describing Bob Smith:
Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping
coffee breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.
A memo was soon sent following the letter:
That idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines (1, 3, 5, etc...) for my true assessment of him.
One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach, with his fishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling blue surf. He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the prospect of catching a fish.
About that time, a businessman came walking down the beach, trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a living for himself and his family.
"You aren't going to catch many fish that way," said the
businessman to the fisherman, "you should be working rather than
lying on the beach!"
The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and replied, "And what will my reward be?"
"Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish!" was the
"And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman, still smiling.
The businessman replied, "You will make money and you'll be able to
buy a boat, which will then result in larger catches of fish!"
"And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman again.
The businessman was beginning to get a little irritated
with the fisherman's questions. "You can buy a bigger boat, and
hire some people to work for you!" he said.
"And then what will my reward be?" repeated the fisherman.
The businessman was getting angry. "Don't you understand? You can
build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and
let all your employees catch fish for you!"
Once again the fisherman asked, "And then what will my reward be?"
The businessman was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman, "Don't you understand that you can become so rich that you will never have to work for your living again! You can spend all the rest of your days sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset. You won't have a care in the world!"
The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said, "And what do you think I'm doing right now?"
When you have an "I hate my job" day, try this: On your way home from work, stop at the pharmacy, go to the thermometers section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by "Best Thermo". Be very sure you get this brand.
When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken.
Take out the material that comes with the thermometer and read it. You will notice that in small print there is a statement: "Every rectal thermometer made by Best Thermo is personally tested." Now close your eyes and repeat out loud five times: "I am so glad I do not work for quality control at the Best Thermo Company."
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing.
The reward for a job well done is more work.
Smart man + smart woman = romance.
Smart man + dumb woman = pregnancy.
Dumb man + smart woman = affair.
Dumb man + dumb woman = marriage.
Smart boss + smart employee = profit.
Smart boss + dumb employee = production.
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion.
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime.
Employee's Ten Commandments
- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
- If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
- For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
- Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
- Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
- Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
- If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
Laws of Work
- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
- No one is listening until you make a mistake.
- When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
- Following the rules will not get the job done.
- Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
- Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
- He who hesitates is probably right.
- You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
- People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
- No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
- The last person that was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.
- When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
- Work is accomplished by those employees who are still striving to reach their level of incompetence.
When I take a long time, I am slow.
When my boss takes a long time, he is thorough.
When I don't do it, I am lazy.
When my boss doesn't do it, he is too busy.
When I do something without being told, I am trying to be smart.
When my boss does the same, that is initiative.
When I please my boss, I am ass-kissing.
When my boss pleases his boss, he is co-operating.
When I do good, my boss never remembers.
When I do wrong, he never forgets.
When I make a mistake, I am an idiot.
When my boss makes a mistake, he's only human.
When I am out of the office, I am wandering around.
When my boss is out of the office, he's on business.
Tips for managers and bosses
- Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
- If it's really a "rush job," run in and interrupt me every ten minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps.
- Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
- If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors is good training.
- If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. Let me guess.
- Do your best to keep me late. I like the office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do.
- If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret.
- If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversation.
- If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done.
- Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life.
Ten Signs You Need a Really Long Vacation
- You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their process.
- You get all excited when it's Saturday so you can wear sweats to work.
- You refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as deliverables.
- You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living.
- You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week.
- You think that "progressing an action plan" and "calendarizing a project" are acceptable English phrases.
- You know the people at the airport hotels better than your next door neighbors.
- You ask your friends to "think out of the box" when making Friday night plans.
- You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put his ideas into a matrix.
- You think a "half-day" means leaving at 5 o'clock.
Ten Signs You Are "Burned Out" Because of Work
- Your garbage can is your "in" box.
- You sleep more at work than at home.
- Your Day Timer exploded a week ago.
- You're so tired you now answer the phone, "Hell."
- You leave for a party and instinctively take your ID badge.
- You have so much on your mind, you've forgotten how to pee.
- Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday.
- You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now.
- You wake up to discover your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep because you just don't care.
- Your friend calls to ask how you've been, and you immediately scream, "Get off my back, jerk!"
The Ten If's You Need to Know to Get Along at Work
- If it rings, put it on hold.
- If it clunks, call the repairman.
- If it whistles, ignore it.
- If it's a friend, stop work and chat.
- If it's the Boss, look busy.
- If it talks, take notes.
- If it's handwritten, type it.
- if it's typed, copy it.
- If it's copied, file it.
- If it's Friday, FORGET IT!!!
Dictionary of Performance Evaluation Comments
Accepts new job assignments willingly: Never finishes a job.
Active socially: Drinks heavily.
Alert to company developments: An office gossip.
Approaches difficult problems with logic: Finds someone else to do the job.
Average: Not too bright.
Character above reproach: Still one step ahead of the law.
Charismatic: No interest in any opinion but his own.
Competent: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.
Consults with co-workers often: Indecisive, confused, and clueless.
Consults with supervisor often: Pain in the ass.
Delegates responsibility effectively: Passes the buck well.
Demonstrates qualities of leadership: Has a loud voice.
Deserves promotion: Create new title to make him feel appreciated.
Displays excellent intuitive judgement: Knows when to disappear.
Displays great dexterity and agility: Dodges and evades superiors well.
Enjoys job: Needs more to do.
Excels in sustaining concentration but avoids confrontations: Ignores everyone.
Excels in the effective application of skills: Makes a good cup of coffee.
Exceptionally well qualified: Has committed no major blunders to date.
Expresses self well: Can string two sentences together.
Gets along extremely well with superiors and subordinates alike: A coward.
Happy: Paid too much.
Hard worker: Usually does it the hard way.
Identifies major management problems: Complains a lot.
Indifferent to instruction: Knows more than superiors.
Internationally know: Likes to go to conferences and trade shows in Las Vegas.
Is well informed: Knows all office gossip and where all the skeletons are kept.
Inspires the cooperation of others: Gets everyone else to do the work.
Is unusually loyal: Wanted by no-one else.
Keen sense of humor: Knows lots of dirty jokes.
Listens well: Has no ideas of his own.
Maintains a high degree of participation: Comes to work on time.
Meticulous in attention to detail: A nitpicker.
Not a desk person: Did not go to college.
Of great value to the organization: Turns in work on time.
Use all available resources: Takes office supplies home for personal use.
Quick thinking: Offers plausible excuses for errors.
Should go far: Please.
Slightly below average: Stupid.
Straightforward: Blunt and insensitive.
Strong adherence to principles: Stubborn.
Tactful in dealing with superiors: Knows when to keep mouth shut.
Takes advantage of every opportunity to progress: Buys drinks for superiors.
Unlimited potential: Will stick with us until retirement.
Uses resources well: Delegates everything.
Uses time effectively: Clock watcher.
Very creative: Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.
Visionary: Cannot handle paperwork or any project that lasts less than a week.
Well organized: Does too much busywork.
Will go far: Relative of management.
Willing to take calculated risks: Doesn't mind spending someone else's money.
The only person getting his work done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe.
14 Signs the Company You Work for Is Going Under
- They start paying everyone in sea shells.
- Company President now driving a Ford Escort.
- Company Softball Team is converted to a Chess Club.
- Conference room has been turned into chinchilla farm.
- Dr. Kevorkian is hired as an "Outplacement Coordinator".
- The Dairy Queen on the corner is threatening a hostile takeover.
- The beer supplied by the Company at picnics is in unlabeled cans.
- Your boss casually asks you if you know anything about starting fires.
- When you say, "See you tomorrow," the watchman laughs uncontrollably.
- People saying "Remember folks, we're not Downsizing, we're Rightsizing!"
- The women are suddenly very friendly with the dorky Personnel Manager.
- The chairman walks by your desk and says, "Hey, Hey! Easy on the staples!"
- Annual Company Holiday Bash moved from the Sheraton to the local Taco Bell.
- Your CEO has a dart board marked with all existing departments in the Company.
Things We'd Like To See On Company Motivational Posters
- If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.
- Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
- Sure, you may not like working here, but we pay your rent.
- A person who smiles in the face of adversity ... probably has a scapegoat.
- If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the situation.
- Your job is still better than asking "You want fries with that?"
- If at first you don't succeed - try management.
- Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
- Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself.
You Must be Working for a Hi-Tech Company If...
- Your CV is on a diskette in your pocket.
- Holiday is something you roll over to next year.
- You're already late on the assignment you just got.
- Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.
- Your relatives describe your job as "works with computers".
- Being sick is defined as you can't walk or you're in hospital.
- It's dark when you drive to and from work, even in the summer.
- You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
- Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.
- Board members salaries are higher than all the Third World countries annual budgets combined.
- There's no money in the budget for the five permanent staff your department is short of, but they can afford four full-time management consultants advising your boss's boss on strategy.
I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labor and the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me, "Congratulations sir, you're the new father of twins!"
The man replied, "How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum company."
About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. Smith's wife has just had triplets. Mr. Smith stood up and said, "Well, how do you like that, I work for the 3M Company."
The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave. When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, "I think I need a breath of fresh air, I work for 7-UP."
How many unionized workers does it take to change a light bulb?
- None. They assign the task to a non-unionized temporary.
- Just one, but he gets promoted two times before he finally finishes screwing it up.
- Just one, but once he gets tenure, he doesn't change anymore.
- "Eighteen, you got a problem with that?"
- Fifty. Fifty? Yeah, fifty; its in the contract.
- Fourteen. One to give the bulb to the screw-inner. One to screw in the bulb. One to hold him on the step ladder. Four to hold the step ladder steady. One to flick the switch to test the bulb. One to make sure that the other bulbs in the room will need fixing. One to supervise. Two to take a coffee break, one to eat lunch, and one to nap.
- Three. One to take out the old bulb, one to screw in the new bulb, and one to relocate the old bulb.
You can tell I'm union,I live by the motto-- I don't get dirty 'til 9:30!!!
He is in control of his staff but he cannot control himself.