Funny Consultant Jokes
Jokes about Consultant
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The physician remarked, "Well, in the Bible, it says that God created Eve from a rib taken out of Adam. This clearly required surgery, and so I can rightly claim that mine is the oldest profession in the world."
The civil engineer interrupted, and said, "But even earlier in the book of Genesis, it states that God created the order of the heavens and the earth from out of the chaos. This was the first and certainly the most spectacular application of civil engineering. Therefore, fair doctor, you are wrong: mine is the oldest profession in the world."
The consultant leaned back in her chair, smiled, and then said
confidently, "Ah, but who do you think created the chaos?"
An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "Don't try these techniques at home."
"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the fridge, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, "You're wasting too much time. Why don't you try carrying several things at once?"
"Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked.
"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make
breakfast. Now I do it in ten."
The chickens in a large hen house started to quarrel, wounded each other and many of them died every day. The upset farmer hurried to a consultant, and asked for a solution to his problem.
"Add baking-powder to the chickens' food," said the consultant, "it will calm them down."
After a week the farmer came back to the consultant and said: "My chickens
continue to die. What shall I do?"
"Add strawberry juice to their drinking water, that will help for sure".
A week passed, and again the farmer came to the consultant: "My chickens are
still quarrelling. Do you have some more advice?"
"I can give you more and more advice," answered the consultant. "The real question is whether you have more chickens."
The classified ad said, "Wanted: CEO needs a one armed consultant, with a social sciences degree and five years of experience."
The man who won the job asked, "I understand most of the qualifications you required, but why 'one armed'?"
The CEO answered, "I have had many consultants, and I am tired of hearing
with each advice the phrase 'on the other hand'."
A priest, a rabbi and a consultant were traveling on an airplane. There was a crisis and it was clear that the plane was going to crash and they would all be killed. The priest began to pray and finger his rosary beads, the rabbi began to read the Torah and the consultant began to organize a committee on air traffic safety.
A man had a siamese cat that howled all night, every night. The sleepless man concluded that the cat has too much testosterone and took him to the vet to be castrated. To the great surprise of the man and all his neighbors, the cat continued howling.
"Why are you doing it now?" they asked the cat.
"Now I am a consultant."
Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear from your Consultant
You're right; we're billing way too much for this.
Bet you I can go a week without saying "synergy" or "value-added".
How about paying us based on the success of the project?
This whole strategy is based on a Harvard business case I read.
Actually, the only difference is that we charge more than they do.
I don't know enough to speak intelligently about that.
Implementation? I only care about writing long reports.
I can't take the credit. It was Ed in your marketing department.
The problem is, you have too much work for too few people.
Everything looks okay to me. You really don't need me.
Hiring consultants to conduct studies can be an excellent means of turning problems into gold, your problems into their gold.
The Buzzword Phrase Generator
Generate a buzzword phrase that can be dropped into virtually
any report with that ring of decisive knowledgeable authority.
No one will have the remotest idea of what you're talking about,
but the important thing is that NO ONE IS ABOUT TO ADMIT IT!
There was a glass of water on the table...
One man says, "It's half full". He is an optimist.
Second man says, "It's half empty". He is a pessimist.
Third man says, "It's twice too big". He is a management consultant.
A consultant is ...
- someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.
- a man who knows 99 ways to make love, but doesn't know any women.
- someone who is called in at the last moment and paid enormous amounts of money to assign the blame.
Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.
Always listen to experts. They'll tell what can't be done and why. Then do it.
It takes two things to be a consultant - grey hair and hemorrhoids. The grey hair makes you look distinguished and the hemorrhoids make you look concerned.
In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less, until he knows absolutely everything about nothing.
To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and cost the most.
After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.
If you consult enough experts, you can confirm any opinion.
Hiring consultants to conduct studies can be an excellent means of turning
problems into gold, your problems into their gold.
You Might Be a Consultant if...
you decide to reorganize your family into a "team-based organization."
you think that it's actually efficient to write a ten page paper with six other people you don't know.
you believe you never have any problems in your life, just "issues" and "improvement opportunities."
you explain to your bank manager that you prefer to think of yourself as "highly leveraged" as opposed to "in debt."
you can explain the difference between "down-sizing," "right-sizing," and "firing people's arses," and you actually believe your explanation.
you can spell "paradigm" and you actually know what a paradigm is.
How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
We don't know. They never get past the feasibility study.
Three. One to change the bulb and two to write the standards and tell him what he did wrong.
Five. One to change the bulb and four to contemplate how Tom Peters would have done it.
Five. One to change the bulb and four to tell him how much better they could have done it.
What's your budget?
A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd... "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?" The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answered "sure".
The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his IBM ThinkPad and connected it to a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he prints out a 130-page report on his miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep. "That is correct; take one of the sheep." said the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car.
Then the shepherd says: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my animal?", "OK, why not." answered the young man. "Clearly, you are a consultant." said the shepherd. "That's correct." says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?" "No guessing required." answers the shepherd. "You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know crap about my business...... Now give me back my dog."