Funny Banker Jokes
Jokes about Banker
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To which the lady replied, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?"
"Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a fuckin' checking account right now."
"Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!"
The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told
him about her situation. They both returned and the manager asked, "What
seems to be the problem here?"
"There's no damn problem," the man said, "I just won 50 million in the
lottery and I want to open a fuckin' checking account in this damn bank!"
"I see sir," the manager said, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"
If you owe the bank $100, that's your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that's the bank's problem.
Einstein says that this is no problem at all and that there is no need to
make such a great fuss. So the doorman leads him to the dorm. They enter
and Albert is introduced to all of the present inhabitants. "See, Here is
your first room mate. He has an IQ of 180!"
"That's wonderful!" says Albert. "We can discuss mathematics!"
"And here is your second room mate. His IQ is 150!"
"That's wonderful!" says Albert. "We can discuss physics!"
"And here is your third room mate. His IQ is 100!"
"That's wonderful! We can discuss the latest plays at the theater!"
Just then another man moves out to capture Albert's hand and shake it.
"I'm your last room mate and I'm sorry, but my IQ is only 80."
Albert smiles back at him and says, "So, where do you think interest
rates are headed?"
At a country-club party a young man was introduced to an attractive girl. Immediately he began paying her court and flattering her outrageously. The girl liked the young man, but she was taken a bit aback by his fast and ardent pitch. She was amazed when after 30 minutes he seriously proposed marriage.
"Look," she said. "We only met a half hour ago. How can you be so sure? We know nothing about each other."
"You're wrong," the young man declared. "For the past 5 years I've been working in the bank where your father has his account."
A young banker decided to get his first tailor made suit. So he went to the finest tailor in town and got measured for a suit. A week later he went in for his first fitting. He put on the suit and he looked stunning, he felt that in this suit he can do business.
As he was preening himself in front of the mirror he reached down to put his hands in the pockets and to his surprise he noticed that there were no pockets. He mentioned this to the tailor who asked him, "Didn't you tell me you were a banker?"
The young man answered, "Yes, I did."
To this the tailor said, "Who ever heard of a banker with his hands in his
own pockets?"
A man walks into a New York City bank and says he wants to borrow $2,000 for three weeks. The loan officer asks him what kind of collateral he has. The man says "I've got a Rolls Royce -- keep it until the loan is paid off -- here are the keys." The loan officer promptly has the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping, and gives the man $2,000.
Three weeks later the man comes into the bank, pays back the $2,000 loan, plus $10 interest, and regains possession of the Rolls Royce. The loan officer asks him, "Sir, if I may ask, why would a man who drives a Rolls Royce need to borrow two thousand dollars?"
The man answers, "I had to go to Europe for three weeks, and where else
could I store a Rolls Royce for that long for ten dollars?"
A lady was newly appointed as a clerk in a bank. The manager of that branch was fond of Literature and books. He asked the clerk,"Do you know William Shakespeare?" The clerk replied,"No. In which branch is he working?"
After that the manager only asks her about cheques and drafts.
Jones applied to a finance agency for a job, but he had no experience. He was so intense that the manager gave him a tough account with the promise that if he collected it, he'd get the job.
Two hours later, Jones came back with the entire amount. "Amazing!" the manager said. "How did you do it?"
"Easy," Jones replied. "I told him if he didn't pay up, I'd tell all his
other creditors he paid us."
Things you would NOT want to see happen at the ATM
-
You go to get a balance inquiry, and instead of printing out a receipt the screen
says: "Not worth wasting paper", and ejects your card.
You try to get a balance inquiry, and the screen says: "Account not found." and
keeps your card.
You insert your card, and try to get some cash, and the ATM laughs and spits out your shredded card.
You withdraw some money to pay some bills, count it, and the screen says: "What, you thought there was some EXTRA there? HA!", and ejects your card clear across the room.
You think you've got $100 in your account and go to take out $50, and the screen says: "Not in this lifetime." and laughs as you bang on the machine, trying desperately to get your card back that the machine has taken.
You go to the ATM, and there's a picture of you a-la-"Most Wanted" staring forlornly at the ATM camera with a caption that reads: "Wanted for trying to get water from a dry well."
Bankers do it risk-free.
Bankers do it just for money.
Bankers charge a fee each time they do it.
Bankers do it with varying rates of interest.
Bankers do it with a penalty for early withdrawal.
How many bankers does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to hold the bulb, and three to try and remember
the combination.3 guys walk into a bakery; an investment banker, a government employee, and a tea partier.
The lady behind the counter puts out a dozen cookies.
Wall Street pockets 11 and tells the tea partier the damn government worker is trying to steal his cookie.
There is a banker; a builder and a ordinary working class guy - a peasant
And one day they find a magic lamp which they rub and sure enough out pops a genie
"Masters , I will grant each one of you one wish for anything that you desire"
The banker aquels
"Me first Me first"
But the others have to wait for a very long time because the banker is having trouble thinking of anything that he has not already got
He has more money than his young trophy wife could possible spend; several houses in exotic locations,a private jet, a garage full of expensive (Italian and German) supercars etc etc
The recent riots in London and the Occup Wall St movement lay heavy on his mind when he decides that what he really wants is
"A 20' (6m) high security wall all around the city of London to keep protesters; tourists and the bloody peasants"
"Your wish is granted master" says the genie
"Me next, me next" says Bob the Builder who has fallen on hard times 'cos the bloody government won't invest in infrastructure
"I want an enormously profitable contract to build the wall
"And your wish is granted master. Now what would you like peasant?"
"Well before I make a wish I would like to ask Bob a question."
"By all means go ahead" says the genie
"Bob will your wall be waterproof?" asks the peasant
"Yes of course" says Bob
"My wall will have no expense spared; it will be made using only the very finest materials.It will be built by the bestnest craftsmen and it will conform to the very highest standards."
"Good" says the peasant turning to the genie
"Fill it up"